Let’s admit it.
We all have been there.
Envy and jealousy are two negative emotions most humans feel at some point or the other.
It is very much human nature.
We judge ourselves by looking at others. It is part of human evolution.
Even monkeys judge their food based on what other monkeys are eating.
They feel happy if their food is better than other monkeys. 🙂
And this stems from the top 2 human needs,as per Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. We have the need of esteem and self actua;ization, which when unfulfilled, also may fuel jealousy.
And since it is hardwired into us, we may as well use it to our advantage.
Psychology identifies 2 kinds of envy
- Benign envy – Motivation for us to work harder. Admiring and trying to emulate others. Drawing inspiration from others who have achieved what you want to achieve.
- Malicious envy – Dislike or grudging the person for having what we want. This makes us a very unpleasant person to be around.
Here are 5 ways to make comparison work for you and not against:
- Comprehensive comparison.
Usually we tend to compare our bottom 10% with someone’s top 10%.
Who we compare to matters.
Social media is a big culprit here.
When I was having a young baby at home and was housebound, all the social media posts of friends traveling would push me into a bad day(and sometimes days).
So I curated the kind of feeds that I would receive to be more in sync with what would make sense and bring joy in my current situation.
I joined a few mom and child development groups. This put me in a relatable community, where I could learn, contribute and grow.
- Consider the nitty gritty
This is all the specifics that we tend to not compare. When you actually look at what others have walked through to get to where they are, you realise we only see the final trailer of the successful movie and not the making of it.
Once I was feeling envious about a friend who has helped her young daughter become highly popular and successful. When I figured that it takes staying away from family to give that kind of opportunity, investing their time and effort into all that goes behind and being comfortable with putting your kids on social media, I figured it was not something that I aspired for.
I had taken a 4 years software career break after my first child was born. I was admiring one of my aunts. Shewas in a high position in a company as she did not have any breaks in her career. She told me that she had to work 6 days a week (no work from home during those days). She had to miss many school events, performances and PTMs to be where she is today. And she wished she would have taken more time to enjoy their childhood.
- Focus on your path
When we focus on others, we lose time that we could have invested in ourselves.
Water your own grass instead of watching the neighbour’s grass.
I left my software career 5 years ago and I have realised seeing where my peers are does not serve me anyway. I have chosen a new path for myself, in alignment with my values, talents and life purpose. Focusing on my path, investing, creating and caring for my future is what rewards me.
- Call for a mindset shift from scarcity into abundance.
Stephen Covey coined this term of scarcity and abundance mindset in his first book “The 7 Habits of highly Effective people”.
Scarcity mentality people see life as a finite pie. So if another person takes a big pie, that leaves less for everyone else.
This reminds me of when I had a friend in high school who was more interested in how much I had studied or how many marks I got than herself. She would put a hand on my hand and put it back on her head, pretending to have taken all the knowledge from me 🙂
A scarcity mentality is what keeps most of us from achieving our goals.
Thoughts like “ Is this person worth so much of my mental space?”
“Is this where I want my focus and attention on” OR
“How is this thought serving me?” can help you get out of the tracks of jealousy.
An abundance mindset refers to the paradigm that there is plenty out there for everyone.
Focusing on your strengths and experience, surrounding yourself with people who have a positive mindset and things that you are grateful for can also help.
- Talk to a trusted partner about how feel
Psychiatrist Dan Siegel coined the term “Name it to tame it”. Labeling the emotion you are going through is important to address them. It’s also true that we can’t change what we don’t notice. Talking to a trusted person – spouse, friend or a professional coach helps.
References:
Articles on https://www.forbes.com
Podcast : Coaching for Leaders with Dave stachowiak